Homestuck Hero Chronicles
by scatteredPhilosopher
Summary: "Screw manners!" Slick yelled at the short carapace. "This girl is a fucking menace! I don't even get meals some nights 'cause of her!" Fortune Teller smirked. "Then that means I've done my job." In which kids and trolls are superheroes. (Beware of some cursing, but Homestuck readers should be fine, and a tiny mention of gore.)
1. Goddamn Menace

**A/N. Superhero AU. Yes. Hell yes. Hell flipping yes. Here is some stuff you need to know: Skaia is their city. The Felt and Midnight Crew steal stuff. And there are superheroes. I'll cover who's who from this chapter at the end. And yeah. I don't own Homestuck. If I did, well... no more gigapause, for one thing.**

* * *

"Seriously, Slick? I didn't even need my powers to know that you'd be here today."

Fortune Teller stared at Spades Slick and the rest of his Midnight Crew from atop her impossible perch in the Skaia City Bank. It was rather fond of pillars, and she happened to be rather fond of sitting on them.

"Fortune Teller! Aw, shit," Boxcars cursed. Slick growled.

"Come on, lemme do my business and I'll be on my way! I won't even stab anyone!" Slick protested. Fortune Teller rolled her eyes.

"You and I both know that's a dirty lie," she retorted. Slick hissed.

Diamonds Droog sighed. "Fine, Fortune Teller," he said loudly. "We'll leave."

"What!?" Slick snapped. "No we won't!"

"Yes, we will," Droog insisted. "We'll go back to our hideout."

He backed up slowly.

Fortune Teller looked at him and raised an eyebrow. "I'm not going to leave until you're in your headquarters, and believe me I know when you are."

Deuce looked at Slick. "I think we should just go, then!" he chirped. "The girl's asking us to leave, so it's only polite if we do!"

"Screw manners!" Slick yelled at the short carapace. "This girl is a fucking menace! I don't even get meals some nights 'cause of her!"

Fortune Teller smirked. "Then that means I've done my job."

Droog tugged on the back of Slick's shirt. "Like I said, we should go."

Slick sighed and gave up.

Fortune Teller watched the four men leave. The bank tellers crawled out from behind the counters they'd waited behind for almost an hour.

"They won't be coming back," Fortune Teller announced to the workers. "Not for a while."

"Thank you!" one of the men below yelled.

"Just doing my job," Fortune Teller muttered and flew down to the ground. "Guess I'd better get home."

That she did. Rose Lalonde slept well that night.

* * *

"Good morning, Rose."

"Hello, Kanaya."

The two girls looked at each other. Rose raised her eyebrows. Kanaya smirked. Rose snorted, but tried to cover it up.

Kanaya laughed, and soon Rose was laughing too.

"What are you two broads laughing about?" Karkat asked. "I'm tired and I want to sleep, you aren't helping."

"Sorry, it's nothing," Kanaya answered. Karkat rolled his eyes and grumbled something unintelligible.

(But in reality, it wasn't nothing; Clover's face when he realized how unlucky it was to be up against both Fortune Teller and Stitch was not "nothing".)

* * *

"God damn Felt," Clockmaster cursed. "You can't abuse time travel!" Eggs turned his head to the side, wondering how anybody could think he and his friends were _abusing _time travel.

"I suppose they could," Ghost Maid mused from his side, "but we'd just kick their asses."

Temusume said something in Japanese; Clockmaster guessed it was in agreement.

Clockmaster grimaced as Eggs turned back his eggtimer. "Shit, he's gonna make copies." Ghost Maid groaned and surged forward, brandishing her whip.

She cracked the whip, using the maneuver to hit the eggtimer out of Eggs' hands. The leprechaun whined for a minute, but was stopped by a whip to the gut. Temusume casually dug her burning cigarette into his back, causing him to howl.

Both girls' forms glistened for a moment, and a future version of both of them appeared.

Future-Temusume frowned. She didn't look like she'd been saving the world, quite the opposite actually. She was dressed like a Japanese schoolgirl, for some reason. Future-Ghost Maid had been a little smarter and stayed in her superhero clothing.

"Well, I guess we better take this guy down," Future-Ghost Maid mumbled. The four girls pounced and made quick work of the man.

Clockmaster applauded. "Good job," he called to them. The future versions saluted and disappeared.

Clockmaster pulled out his sword. Crowbar casually swung his namesake around.

"Are you gonna fight or what?" Crowbar asked with a snarl.

"Hmm, yep," Clockmaster replied. "Just gimme a sec." Crowbar stared at the boy while a copy of the superhero appeared. Then another. A second- a _third_ one? Three more versions appeared in little flashes of light.

"How am I supposed to fight _seven versions of you?!_" Crowbar yelled. Clockmaster grinned.

"That's the thing. You're not."

-little skip here-

"Come on!" Clockmaster yelled. All of his future copies had been killed by Crowbar. Who knew his brain was that color? How strange. Clockmaster was left with a broken arm and a very, _very_ pissed Crowbar. The dude was bleeding from, like, _everywhere_ and he still wouldn't go down.

"Seriously, dude, you really should learn not to mess with Crowbar."

Clockmaster groaned when he heard that voice. Ghost Maid and Temusume had run off to kick some other Felt ass, which had left Clockmaster alone and pretty close to being bashed in the skull. So of course, _Brobot _of all _goddamn people _decided to help the time-hopping hero out.

"The goddamn queer's here, fuck my life."

Brobot leapt forward, his right arm solidifying into metal. Crowbar swung his weapon, but Brobot interrupted its course with his armored arm.

"No more brons will be spilled today," Brobot informed the mobster.

"What the hell is a bron?" Crowbar asked skeptically as he tried to overpower the shades-clad superhero.

"Sorry, I made a pun. I meant brain."

"That was a horrible pun, you goddamn metalhead."

Long story short, Brobot beat the shit out of Crowbar. Then he punched Clockmaster in the face for even _thinking _about fighting the seventh member.

"What happened here?" Ghost Maid asked as the two girls came running back to Clockmaster. After a moment she noticed the six dead future Clockmasters. "I think we need to have a corpse party, that's a lot of innards..."

"Please no," Clockmaster groaned. "I'm bleeding, my arm is broken, my face is going to bruise, and I have to put up with _him_." Brobot shrugged with a smirk.

"I wouldn't mind having a corpse party," he said. "Someone needs to clean this mess up."

Temusume nodded. "Hai, hai," she mumbled.

Ghost Maid's face lit up like a child receiving an ice cream cone. "Corpse party!" she yelled ecstatically. "Oh, I can't wait!"

Dave Strider rolled his eyes. All he wanted to do was sleep, but no, the Felt had decided to be jerks that day and shake their plush rumps in Clockmaster's face.

So began the time vs. time showdown.

* * *

Bloody Knight glared at Wolf.

"Come on! You know perfectly well how much of a bitch Snowman is! We can take her!"

"You're just biased against her because your dad is hatedating her."

"No I'm not! She's terrible, you _know _that!"

"You're aren't making a very convincing argument, _Karkitty_."

"Not here, what are you thinking?!"

"I don't know, that it's a _really stupid idea to try and take on the woman whose death can and will destroy the world?_"

"Jaaade!"

"Karkat!"

"Can't you two get along?"

"SHUT THE HELL UP, _JOHN_."

Windy Kid was startled by the use of his real name, especially by his friend. "Bloody Knight! Somebody might find out my... _secret identity_!"

"The Midnight Crew already knows who you are," said hero retorted.

Windy Kid stumbled backward, holding his heart as if he'd been shot. "No, that- that can't be true!"

Karkat's face was deadpan. "Literally the first thing you said when you walked into my house for the first time was 'I am Windy Kid'." Wolf stifled a few giggles. Windy Kid glared at her.

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, John, seriously."

"Karkat, can we leave the Felt Manor now?" Wolf asked Bloody Knight, tugging on his sleeve. "Gives me the creeps."

"Oh shit! I forgot where we were!"

* * *

"Lady Luck?"

The teenage girl smiled down at the civilian. Her smile was of the evil grin sort.

"Yes, that's me. What of it?"

"Have... have you come to save us?" the man asked. Lady Luck tossed her black mane of hair.

"Not at all," she replied. "I just felt like beating somebody up."

The man stared at her, thinking desperately whether she was a hero or a villain. Lady Luck laughed.

"By somebody, I mean the Midnight Crew," she told him. "Hate those bastards."

The man let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding.

* * *

**I will write more, as I happen to feel kind of inspired. And just so you know, I am lame at plots so you will probably only see snapshots like this.**

**Who did we see this chapter, hmm?**

**Fortune Teller - Rose**

**Clockmaster - Dave**

**Brobot - Dirk**

**Ghost Maid - Aradia**

**Temusume - Damara**

**The Wolf - Jade**

**Bloody Knight - Karkat**

**Windy Kid - John**

**Lady Luck - Vriska**

**PS. This is because of Rubicksmaster. PPS. Half of the superhero names won't come from me, I'm warning you.**

**PPPS. Remember to leave a review on the way out.**


	2. Pissy Pants and Gay Boots

"Never fear world, Windy Kid is here!"

The bank tellers stared at the teen boy as he began to sing some rewritten version of the Ghostbusters theme.

Spades Slick growled. "First Fortune Teller, now I have to deal with John fucking Egbert."

Windy Kid gasped. "How do you know my... _secret identity?_"

"You don't do a very good job of hiding it," Droog pointed out. "Painting your glasses blue does not count as a mask."

"And your theme song even says your goddamn name!" Slick snapped at the floating boy. "Get down here, it's hard to yell at you if you're flying around above my head like a goddamn prissy pants."

"Pissy pants?" John answered. "ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT MY PANTS ARE COLORED LIKE PEE?"

Clubs Deuce stared in awe at the flying boy. "He's right!" the little man said aloud. "Slick, that's mean, his pants don't look like that."

"That's not what I said-"

"Boss, I think you should apologize," Hearts Boxcars droned.

Droog tried to hide his mirth.

"He's the enemy!" Slick protested.

"My pants aren't even _yellow!_" John continued. "If they were piss pants, then that would turn them green!"

"I give up," Slick sighed and walked out of the bank. Droog burst into laughter as the crew followed their leader out of the establishment.

* * *

Bro grinned. "Dave. A real man would wear these gay boots."

"Fuck no." Dave was nothing if not quick about his answers.

"Young man, do you want to fight crime?"

"Yes, I do," Dave answered after a while.

"Then wear the boots." Dave reluctantly donned the shoes, grimacing at them. He opted to sneak his favorite red converse with him.

The Clockmaster approached Felt Manor, sighing at the green. He's not a fan of green. Why couldn't he make it all red instead of green? Red is a nice color.

Crowbar was stationed outside, his maroon hat on proudly and his crowbar at the ready. Clockmaster hit the ground in front of the Felt member.

"So I see you want to dance, prettyboy," Crowbar said with a grin. Clockmaster shrugged.

"Only if you're willing to walk away missing a leg or two."

Crowbar growled and lunged. Clockmaster leapt to the side, a future copy appearing and taking a sword swipe at Crowbar. The leprechaun dodged.

The two continued their swipe-and-dodge dance until they were interrupted by a loud crash.

Brobot dashed between the two fighters, turning his skin into metal in hopes they wouldn't lop off his arm. He grabbed Clockmaster's leg and ripped his converse off. He did the same on the other leg, and left the pair of gay boots on the ground. He then hopped up on a high ledge to watch the ensuing chaos.

Clockmaster and Crowbar, after waiting a moment, resumed their fight, but this time it was one-sided. The old nemeses couldn't seem to fight properly, considering the way Clockmaster slipped around like a child on a Slip-n-Slide.

He glanced at the gay boots. He had to beat Crowbar, but he couldn't do it in his socks. Clockmaster swallowed and dove for the boots.

"These are the ugliest fucking shoes I have ever seen in my life," Clockmaster grumbled as he prepped himself for wearing them.

"Then don't wear them, you time-fucking asshole," Crowbar shot back impatiently.

"Screw off, leprechaun, and give me a second to put them on."

Brobot rolled his eyes. "Clockmaster, what the fuck are you doing?" He walked over to his younger brother.

"Dammit Brobot! I can handle this!" Clockmaster snapped.

"...You should just wear the damn boots," Brobot deadpanned.

"Why don't you wear them?"

"I say the queer is here whenever I show up. I don't need the boots." _They already know how gay I am, _Brobot added silently.

"...Should I go? I could just come back when you guys are done fighting," Crowbar said quietly as he stared in horror at the pair.

"You aren't going anywhere Crowbar! Five more minutes, there are too many damn laces on these." Clockmaster seemed to be as persistent as usual.

Both Brobot and Crowbar sighed.

A few minutes later, Clockmaster sat up triumphantly. "I think I got it!"

"Clockmaster, I don't think I've ever seen somebody mess up a shoelace that badly. How can you even do that?"

"Well I'm sorry, this thing is like impossible to understand," said shoe tier replied sarcastically.

"Not really, all you have to do is tie it. Not fucking knit it and then triple wrap it with cheese."

"...I think I'm going to leave now," Crowbar said mostly to himself as he tried to slip away.

"CROWBAR. DON'T YOU DARE MOVE," Clockmaster snapped, sending the leprechaun a demon glare.

Crowbar stared back at the hero and raised a single eyebrow.

It was at that moment Clockmaster remembered he was still wearing shades.

* * *

"They call me Bubble Bitch," the tall girl said, popping her bubblegum. She brushed some of her hair off her shoulder. "Not sure how much I like the name myself."

"The name's Lady Luck," the shorter replied, her hair not needing to be flipped, but she did so anyway for good measure. "And this is the Markeez."

"It's Marquise!" the third answered angrily. "Mar-kees! Not Mar-keez!"

"Sor_ry_," Lady Luck replied snarkily. "Pronunciation, whatever."

Bubble Bitch smiled. "I think I like you two gills. Follow me."

The two blue-clad girls followed the other as they descended through the trapdoor into the Life Chamber.

"Oh, Meenah, you're back already?"

Bubble Bitch cringed when she heard her real name being used. "Glub it all, Glub! They don't know who I am."

The Vast Glub giggled. "Sorry," she said with a smile. "And to you two, I'm sorry I'm not in my outfit. My name is the Vast Glub. Heehee!"

"Lady Luck, Markeez," Lady Luck replied briefly. The Glub was about to start some small talk when something came crashing through the only entrance to the underground lair.

"Is that Heiress?" Bubble Bitch said, her voice low. "Glub it all."

A fairly thin figure stood up amongst all the rubble they created when crashing through. A dark-haired girl rubbed her head. Her tan robes were dustier than before.

"Heiress, did you go Crockertier?" Glub asked.

The girl nodded, as if she were in a daze.

"We need to get you some rest, don't we," Glub continued.

Heiress nodded again.

The Vast Glub exited the room, tugging a half-asleep Heiress along with her. Bubble Bitch sighed.

"Lady Luck, Markeez, thank you for establishing the Light of Life alliance," the bubble-blowing superhero said sarcastically. "These are your newest allies against evil."

The Marquise sighed, not even bothering to correct Bubble Bitch on her incorrect pronunciation of her name.

* * *

Lord Noir frowned at the girl.

"I really didn't want to have to do this, Noir!" the small glasses-clad girl shouted. He raised a carapacian eyebrow.

She let out an ear-piercing shriek. Noir stumbled back from the girl wearing beige.

"I AM HEIRESS!" she screamed. Noir watched in horror as her clothing flickered between beige and brilliant red, her eyes flipping back and forth from black to white, and her baby blue irises turning deep crimson. A ruby-colored tiara appeared on her head, and thin circuit-like red lines drew themselves down her face from under the crown.

"." she said.

Noir stared in horror. She lunged forward and threw a right hook to his stomach, sending the man flying.

"I am Heiress," she repeated. "Prepare for a beatdown."

* * *

**A/N New headcanon: Crockertier is the equivalent of an uncontrollable super saiyan, after which she gets really tired. Also, t****he joke about Markeez/Markees is that they're bascially pronounced the same way, so it's just Aranea nitpicking.**

**OK, the new heroes!**

**Marquise - Aranea**

**Heiress - Jane**

**Bubble Bitch - Meenah**

**The Vast Glub (Glub for short) - Feferi**

**PS. Lord Noir is the one who blew up Prospit in A6A5x2, remember? PPS. remember to review**


	3. Nobody Is Introduced

"Olive, I believe this path is unwise."

The Olive Huntress grinned. "Lighten up, Archer!" she sang back cheerily. "You can let out steam and beat people up while I nab the jewels. It'll be a piece of cake!"

"I do not wish for you to be a burglar," the Archer responded steadily. "Nor do I want to take any part in leading you into danger."

Olive Huntress pouted. "Come on! It's not a real crime, we're recovering the jewels for the Mayor. And we might steal some canned food for him, but that's just canned food, it doesn't matter that much."

"Canned food that may be going to feed the hungry," the enormous boy said back with a raised eyebrow and a deepening frown.

"Okay, no cans. Just getting the jewels back."

Archer sighed. "Fine. Just be very, very careful."

Nepeta grinned, throwing her arms around the larger boy. "You can count on me, Equius!"

* * *

The Motherfucking Messiah turned to the green and blue clad pair, a blank face slowly rising into a terrifying grin.

"Olivesis, Archbro," he said slowly, his voice fluctuating in volume. "I'm going to motherfucking kill you."

The Archer's eyes widened. "Why?" he asked. "Why, Messiah?"

MM grinned. "My job is to protect these here jewels." He gestured wildly to the three tiny crystals. "I can't let you take them."

"You've been hired?" Olive Huntress gasped, her eyes widening. "Heroes aren't mercenaries, MM!"

Motherfucking Messiah bowed his head, but the crazy light in his eyes did not fade, nor did his grin. "I never said a FUCKING WORD about being a hero."

Her eyes widened in terror. The M&M lunged forward, his eyes turning deep red in color. He lifted his club, ready to beat her to death- and having no qualms about doing so- when he was interrupted by a metal fist.

The Archer's fist threw Motherfucking Messiah across the room. The lanky teen hit the opposite wall, shattering it but- somehow- not his bones. "Do not," the strong boy growled, "touch her."

Motherfucking Messiah coughed up a bit of blood. "Bring it on, motherfucking blue boy!" he screamed. The Archer was all too eager to oblige. The two began dueling- fist against club.

Motherfucking Messiah was a dangerous man, considering his berserk abilities, and the Archer was exceptionally strong. The two were well-matched, one often overpowering the other slightly. It was anyone's match at this point.

The Huntress, meanwhile, moved over to the jewels. They were fairly simple in general- an orange one, a pink one, and a black one entrapped in amber- but to the Mayor, they were priceless. She didn't know why but she knew that he needed them back. She grabbed them before Motherfucking Messiah noticed her.

"Arch! Let's move out!" she yelled. The Archer nodded and ran. She followed, slipping the jewels into her pouch. Motherfucking Messiah screamed in rage and pursued them.

"I have to leave this round!" the Archer yelled to his opponent. "We'll rematch another time."

"Archbro," the clown-themed boy screamed. "I am going to kill you someday!"

But his voice fell on deaf ears. Olive Huntress and the Archer were gone.

* * *

Eggs collapsed on the ground, having failed his mission.

Crowbar stared in horror at his coworker. "Who did this to you?" he asked, watching the other leprechaun bleed out.

"N-Nobody..." Eggs whispered, coughing up blood in the process.

Crowbar stared at the other man blankly. "Okay, so you're just a fucking useless idiot," he replied deadpan.

"No!" Eggs corrected, sitting up quickly. "Nobody did it to me! Nobody stopped the robbery!"

"I heard you the first time. Next time you have a solo mission, try not to screw it up this badly."

"Gaaaahh!"

* * *

Running away from the scene, Roxy Lalonde giggled to herself. "Best superherp name eveerrr- evr- fuck!"

"Nobody, it's quite apparent you gain some mirth from your name."

Roxy laughed when her mother/sister/daughter spoke. "Who ya talkin to, Fortune Teller?"

Rose's face was blank. "Never mind. It seems you as immature as ever, and I needn't have tried."

"Hehe."

* * *

Temusume was a lover of bickering, and if that bickering happened to occur with Fairy Boy and Machino, then so be it. She loved to argue, even if half of her opposition didn't understand what the hell she was even saying.

She especially liked to start arguments with Machino, and she tended to start this by teasing the shit out of him.

"そうですか。だから、彼の肛門に私の小さな男をファックしたいでしょ？あなたは、あなたの馬の雌犬をそれをしたいと思います。" she said. Temusume grinned.

Fairy Boy frowned. "Back off!" he replied. "Don't say stuff like that."

"彼は私が言っていたか知っていたなら、彼は怖いだろう。私はあなたが怖がって愚痴のように考える。" she replied snarkily.

"Doll, you know I don't," he replied, frowning. "Stop."

Machino shrunk backward. "Um, what is she saying?" he said, his voice at a low whisper.

"Ah, she's saying she wants to go home," Fairy Boy improvised. Machino frowned.

"That was a little... _much_ for simply saying she wants to go home," the man replied slowly. Fairy Boy sweated a bit, nervously.

Temusume rolled her eyes. "私は家に帰りたいです。"

"Not helping, doll," Fairy Boy said exasperatedly.

"彼はラメです。彼はその馬の性交行く必要があります。ポニーの恋人のように、彼はある。それは嫌です。"

"Stop, Damara, I'm being serious."

Temusume paused. Fairy Boy hardly ever called her by her real name anymore, she was always "doll". She supposed she liked how he had a pet name for her, but in truth, she couldn't love him anymore, and the pet name would never be able to please her.

A broken girl, indeed.

While the three were having strangely oriented arguments, the Midnight Crew escaped their latest target- the new bank that the three were standing in front of.

Two days later, each of the three heroes received thank-you letters. In crooked, childish handwriting, the following could be read:

"_Dear Temusume/Fairy Boy/Makino:_

_Thanks for letting us eskape! Love from Clubs __**DEUSE**__. (Look spads i can totally spell my name!)_"

Fairy Boy was touched by the kindness and kept the card. Temusume couldn't care less and used her card to make a joint. Machino (who was irritated that his name was misspelled) tossed it into his house fire, laughing.

(He then quietly apologized to whatever guardian ruled happiness and laughter, pledging to never abuse their power again.)

When the three came to talk about it, Fairy Boy was not happy with the other two.

"Damara, Horuss! We should be appreciating his act of kindness, not burning and smoking it!" the winged superhero snapped at the other two.

"ねえ、クラブ奪う試したことが一つのバンク当時。"

"Ugh, don't bring that up, doll."

"What are you two neighing about?" Machino asked slowly. Fairy Boy sighed.

"Ah, Clubs Deuce tried to rob a bank by himself. We learned to never, ever, let the idiot have the bombs."

Machino shuddered.

* * *

(Diamonds Droog had learned a lesson that day: never, ever, be sick again.

Spades Slick learned a lesson too. Don't let Deuce near any alcohol.

Boxcars learned to stop taking vacations to Las Vegas.

Finally, Deuce didn't learn anything.)

* * *

Blind Justice raised an eyebrow at Nobody.

"Are... are you inebriated?" the teal-clad young woman asked, scowling. "I think I'm going to have to take you in."

Nobody blinked. "Are you suuuuuuure?" she asked the other girl.

Blind Justice sighed. "Yes, I'm sure."

Nobody took off running, turning herself invisible. Blind Justice yelled in surprise and took off after the girl. Needless to say, she ran into quite a few street lamps.

Finally, she could stand it no longer and went to the Wolf.

"Hey, Wolf?"

"Yeah, what's up?"

"Can you track down Nobody for me?"

"No problem!" Wolf grinned (not that Blind Justice saw). The Wolf sniffed deeply.

"Ah, she's... that way!" The Wolf pointed directly in front of Blind Justice.

Blind Justice scowled. "Which way?"

"A-aah..." The Wolf backed up a little, sweating.

* * *

"Uh, Harley? What did you do to your face?"

"I forgot Terezi was blind."

"Oh..." Dave didn't even try to hold in his laughter. Jade huffed.

* * *

**Sorry it's been a while. ^^"**

**Damara translation: (Thank you Google Translate! BTW these are going to be pretty general.)  
First line: ****stuff I don't ever want to repeat.**  
**Second line: If he [Horuss] could understand me, he'd be scared.**  
**Third: I want to go home.**  
**Fourth: He is lame, and he should go get together with a horse.**  
**Fifth: Hey, remember that one time Clubs Deuce tried to rob a bank?**

**New heroes?**

**Olive Huntress - Nepeta**  
**The Archer - Equius**  
**Motherfucking Messiah - Gamzee**  
**Nobody - Roxy**  
**Fairy Boy - Rufioh**  
**Machino - Horuss**  
**Blind Justice - Terezi**


End file.
